Do-over

Can we start 2014 over?  God must be telling our family that we have good times ahead because right now we are struggling.  I am fully recovered from my surgery and feeling just fine.  It’s Reagan this time.  Last week she had a few days of diarrhea with no fever just not feeling herself.  She was better and then started vomiting on Sunday. Monday she didn’t keep anything down and was lethargic and sleeping most of the day when she wasn’t vomiting.  She acted like a noodle.  She didn’t move, play or even smile- completely out of character for our crazy, busy 3 year old.  We took her into her clinic with a subsequent visit to Children’s ED.  After iv fluids we were sent home without any indication of what we suspected- a bowel obstruction.  Definitely dehydrated but iv fluids fixed that issue.  She’s had two more days of being pretty lethargic with very low energy.  It’s really not like her at all and we hate seeing her sick.

 

Now I realize this is all probably just 3 year old sickness and really no big deal.  Right?  Wrong. Not for me.  I don’t know if this will ever change but my anxiety level is through the roof.  I am fearful that something will go wrong, she will get sicker and she will…. It’s hard to even type it- pass away. Because we’ve lost Eden life just feels so precious.  We literally saw our sweet Eden pass from this life into heaven in the blink of an eye.  Of course she was sick but she was also so strong and brave.  I pray and ask God for comfort and peace but the feeling is still there- the worry, anxiety.  I don’t think it will ever go away…

Moms who have lost children, I understand.  I can relate to your anxiety, stress and fears.  Though some may call them irrational, I don’t think that.  Hoping we can all take a deep breath, say a quiet prayer and stay calm for our precious kiddos.

Growing family....?

Our growing family. That’s what this blog is about right? After Eden passed away both Scott and I said we would not have any more children. Losing one was just too painful.  And it is still painful. 

But we decided to take this HUGE leap of faith. Imagine just for a moment that you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, the wind blowing your hair wildly, your heart racing with adrenaline and someone says ‘jump- really it will be OK’. We stood there and put our faith in God.

Today I am 8 weeks 4 days pregnant and heading in to the hospital for a D&C.  The anxiety, stress and anguish of the past 2 weeks has been all consuming.  Spotting sent me into my clinic and wouldn’t you know another shocker- 2 gestational sacs. Yes, twins again.  Before the stress started Scott and I joked that we should buy a lottery ticket every time we have sex!

The anxiety and stress isn’t so much about the miscarriage. I understand all things medical and scientific. I know that the body will have a miscarriage because generally something is not chromosomally correct with the fetus(s). So that I understand. It’s more about the fear and anxiety of doing this again. We have been through hell the first time around so once we got the green light to try again we thought it would be easy or easier than the first one. It certainly couldn’t be worse. I tried to convince Scott that lighting couldn’t possibly strike in the same place twice. Meaning we couldn’t have a pregnancy like the first one. But now I’m doubtful. It’s probably a lot of emotion but I’ve had lots of time to think about this. In fact it’s been the only thing on my mind. What if I’m not meant to have a full-term, healthy pregnancy? What if I just can’t do it…

I don’t like to say can’t…. in fact I’m teaching Reagan that there’s no such thing as can’t. She CAN do anything. I remind her of that often and I truly believe that. But at what point does God tell you that you can’t? Does he tell you? For now we will just wait, pray and have faith.