Our growing family. That’s what this blog is about right?
After Eden passed away both Scott and I said we would not have any more
children. Losing one was just too painful.
And it is still painful.
But we decided to take this HUGE leap of faith. Imagine just
for a moment that you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, the wind blowing your
hair wildly, your heart racing with adrenaline and someone says ‘jump- really
it will be OK’. We stood there and put our faith in God.
Today I am 8 weeks 4 days pregnant and heading in to the
hospital for a D&C. The anxiety,
stress and anguish of the past 2 weeks has been all consuming. Spotting sent me into my clinic and wouldn’t
you know another shocker- 2 gestational sacs. Yes, twins again. Before the stress started Scott and I joked
that we should buy a lottery ticket every time we have sex!
The anxiety and stress isn’t so much about the miscarriage.
I understand all things medical and scientific. I know that the body will have
a miscarriage because generally something is not chromosomally correct with the
fetus(s). So that I understand. It’s more about the fear and anxiety of doing
this again. We have been through hell the first time around so once we got the
green light to try again we thought it would be easy or easier than the first
one. It certainly couldn’t be worse. I tried to convince Scott that lighting
couldn’t possibly strike in the same place twice. Meaning we couldn’t have a
pregnancy like the first one. But now I’m doubtful. It’s probably a lot of emotion
but I’ve had lots of time to think about this. In fact it’s been the only thing on my mind. What if I’m not
meant to have a full-term, healthy pregnancy? What if I just can’t do
it…
I don’t like to say can’t…. in fact I’m teaching Reagan that
there’s no such thing as can’t. She CAN do anything. I remind her of that often
and I truly believe that. But at what point does God tell you that you can’t? Does he tell you? For now we will just
wait, pray and have faith.
Oh, Amanda, I am so sad for you.
ReplyDeleteI remember something I heard a lovely nun, Mother Angelica, say . . . It was, "Take your suffering, press it to your heart, and then give it to Jesus."
Press this uncertainty, these questions, to your heart, and then offer them to Him - and yes, just wait on Him and for His answers (Psalms 27).
I pray that He keeps you in the center of His will - no matter what else happens.
I grieve with you. God bless you.
Thank you for your sweet words Jessica.
DeleteI am a long time reader of your blog and just want to send you my sympathies, for this and for everything you and your sweet girls have gone through. I am going through an eerily similar situation right now and somehow it comforts me when I read your blog and your writing. Thank you so much for sharing your story and life with us.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the sympathies. I hope and pray your storm will end soon as well. I'm here if you ever want to talk.
DeleteI would actually love that...I looked on your blog for your email address, but didn't find it because I wanted to personally email you. Its strange how similar our situations are. I feel for you...this is such a tough road. I just read your last blog post about Reagan and I hope she feels better very soon. I can only imagine how high your anxiety level is, I am sorry.
DeleteYour family often comes to my mind and I continue to pray for you. Although we are strangers, I am lifting you up to the throne of grace! He knows your desires and your needs. And he will give you the strength you need. As for the worry you experience with your daughter, I can relate. We almost lost our Evelyn Joy {she was a premie as well} and out of all our children, she makes me run alittle faster when she cries, and pray harder when she is ill because we have been through so much with her. One scripture that always brings comfort is this Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still.
ReplyDeleteI've read your blog for years. My advice doesn't matter, but I hope you just follow your heart. You are much, much stronger than you will ever give yourself credit for. But to sit and read your story, I would say you are truly capable of absolutely anything.
ReplyDelete