This weekend was our first holiday without Eden. Even though the girls would be too young to understand what Easter is all about, it still makes me incredibly sad that we couldn't be together as a family. It was bittersweet to get Reagan dressed in her Easter dress and take pictures of her alone. My heart was aching the entire time. There is no lack of heartache in my blog posts, and they may be this way for awhile.... just a warning.
Everything is hard. Getting up is hard, showering is hard, playing with Reagan is hard, leaving the house is nearly impossible. I can't see myself ever truly smiling like before or laughing quite as happily. My heart literally hurts, my mind is full of questions and I keep asking God why. I have pain, heartache, anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment... there are not enough words. I just keep saying 'I want her back' and 'I can't believe she's gone'. Scott and I often just look at each other with tears in our eyes and say, I can't believe she's gone. The small seed of comfort I have is when I close my eyes and see her face. I can feel her soft hair on my lips, touch her cheeks with my fingers, gaze at her beautiful lashes and trace her perfect lips. This image is forever in my mind and my heart. I will never forget. And we will never be the same Amanda and Scott.
Please pray for us.
:( Yesterday was the first holiday without Adam, and it is really hard. You're right, you're never the same. You have to find a new you, a new normal. I don't know about you, but I don't wanna! I just want my angel back. I want my previous life back. Many hugs to you. Hold onto those memories of sweet Eden. They will bring you much comfort.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Amanda and Scott. We gathered at a Minneapolis cemetery yesterday with 2 other families, all 3 of us having lost our infant children between a month and a half ago and 3 years ago. None of us will ever be the same either. You aren't alone in this, yet you probably often feel very, very alone without your baby girl. I'm sorry I don't have anything helpful to say. I don't know if anyone does. All I can do is offer prayer for you all.
ReplyDeletePraying for you guys.
ReplyDeleteI am praying.
ReplyDeleteIsaiah 41:10
Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteAmanda--
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that you and Scott and Reagan are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I will never forget your precious little Eden...Her smiles could light up the room. I wish there was some way to take away your pain. I know there isn't. Is all I can do is let you know I am so sorry that Eden couldn't stay, and tell you that those of us who knew her will keep her spirit alive in our hearts and memories. I am here if you ever need to talk. My email is grammaknits02@yahoo.com.
Sending you all hugs and love and sharing your tears and your heartache.
Cindy Swain