The heart of a grieving parent

To hold her one last time. Is that too much to ask? I spent hours with Eden holding her and stroking my lips against her soft hair, back and forth- it felt like silk. I will never forget that softness. I can sometimes feel it if I close my eyes and remember.

We’ve blogged and talked about losing Eden but we don’t always talk out loud about the heartache and the pain. When you lose a child part of your heart is lost. Not necessarily all of it but it literally feels like part of your heart is gone. That pain is always there underlying with everything you do- the happy times, the sad times and the scary times. Sure we experience pure joy now with Reagan but that twinge of pain in that space where our heart was once complete is still there.

To those of you who still talk about Eden, mention that you heard her song Beautiful or support Eden’s Garden; you have no idea how much this means to us. Our hearts are filled with love and happiness when others talk about her.  So thank you!  I mentioned this last year but we truly hold this day March 30^th as sacred. We disconnect and focus on Eden and God’s grace and for giving us strength to get us through our continuing journey.

She's always with us

March will forever be a month full of emotions and heartache ever since March 30, 2011.  That day we lost our sweet little Eden.  In eight short months, she taught me how to be patient, truly love and what is really important in life, it isn’t about material items, its about the moments that you share together.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about and miss her, whether it is something I do with Reagan, something Reagan does and I wish it was two, or just moment and milestones I miss out on.  I thought seeing Eden again wasn’t possible until the great day when I can hold her, hug her and kiss her again when I get to heaven. 

That all changed on December 12, 2013, I have never believed in ghosts or the “super natural” but this night was different.  It was about 1:00 am and I heard Reagan cry.  I hopped out of bed to check on her, Amanda didn’t wake.  I was completely awake like I had slept enough but knew it was ridiculously early.  I opened the door and saw Reagan standing up on her bed (or so I thought).  I said “Reagan what are you doing, lay down and go back to sleep.”  I looked down and saw Reagan not making any noise and sleeping peacefully.  I literally rubbed my eyes and saw something standing at the top of Reagans head, it was a little shorter than Reagan would be compared to her bed and with shorter hair.  I reached out to it and there was “nothing” there but the image was still there.  It hit me, IT WAS EDEN!  In a relaxed, calm, soft voice, I said “Hi Eden, its daddy!”  She smiled and got ready to jump up and down.  I said to her, “No honey, Reagan is sleeping you can’t jump, lay down next to Reagan.”  Eden laid down slowly next to Reagan and put her arm over Reagan.  “Go nigh, nigh.  I love you Eden.” I said and left the room.  I laid in bed for about the next hour wide awake, thinking about what happened and if It was true.  It was!  Eden is always with us and watching over and protecting Reagan.  I thought that I wouldn’t see her until that day in heaven but Eden is with us every moment of every day even if we can’t see her and that helps me get through each day, especially March.

Do-over

Can we start 2014 over?  God must be telling our family that we have good times ahead because right now we are struggling.  I am fully recovered from my surgery and feeling just fine.  It’s Reagan this time.  Last week she had a few days of diarrhea with no fever just not feeling herself.  She was better and then started vomiting on Sunday. Monday she didn’t keep anything down and was lethargic and sleeping most of the day when she wasn’t vomiting.  She acted like a noodle.  She didn’t move, play or even smile- completely out of character for our crazy, busy 3 year old.  We took her into her clinic with a subsequent visit to Children’s ED.  After iv fluids we were sent home without any indication of what we suspected- a bowel obstruction.  Definitely dehydrated but iv fluids fixed that issue.  She’s had two more days of being pretty lethargic with very low energy.  It’s really not like her at all and we hate seeing her sick.

 

Now I realize this is all probably just 3 year old sickness and really no big deal.  Right?  Wrong. Not for me.  I don’t know if this will ever change but my anxiety level is through the roof.  I am fearful that something will go wrong, she will get sicker and she will…. It’s hard to even type it- pass away. Because we’ve lost Eden life just feels so precious.  We literally saw our sweet Eden pass from this life into heaven in the blink of an eye.  Of course she was sick but she was also so strong and brave.  I pray and ask God for comfort and peace but the feeling is still there- the worry, anxiety.  I don’t think it will ever go away…

Moms who have lost children, I understand.  I can relate to your anxiety, stress and fears.  Though some may call them irrational, I don’t think that.  Hoping we can all take a deep breath, say a quiet prayer and stay calm for our precious kiddos.

Growing family....?

Our growing family. That’s what this blog is about right? After Eden passed away both Scott and I said we would not have any more children. Losing one was just too painful.  And it is still painful. 

But we decided to take this HUGE leap of faith. Imagine just for a moment that you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, the wind blowing your hair wildly, your heart racing with adrenaline and someone says ‘jump- really it will be OK’. We stood there and put our faith in God.

Today I am 8 weeks 4 days pregnant and heading in to the hospital for a D&C.  The anxiety, stress and anguish of the past 2 weeks has been all consuming.  Spotting sent me into my clinic and wouldn’t you know another shocker- 2 gestational sacs. Yes, twins again.  Before the stress started Scott and I joked that we should buy a lottery ticket every time we have sex!

The anxiety and stress isn’t so much about the miscarriage. I understand all things medical and scientific. I know that the body will have a miscarriage because generally something is not chromosomally correct with the fetus(s). So that I understand. It’s more about the fear and anxiety of doing this again. We have been through hell the first time around so once we got the green light to try again we thought it would be easy or easier than the first one. It certainly couldn’t be worse. I tried to convince Scott that lighting couldn’t possibly strike in the same place twice. Meaning we couldn’t have a pregnancy like the first one. But now I’m doubtful. It’s probably a lot of emotion but I’ve had lots of time to think about this. In fact it’s been the only thing on my mind. What if I’m not meant to have a full-term, healthy pregnancy? What if I just can’t do it…

I don’t like to say can’t…. in fact I’m teaching Reagan that there’s no such thing as can’t. She CAN do anything. I remind her of that often and I truly believe that. But at what point does God tell you that you can’t? Does he tell you? For now we will just wait, pray and have faith.

Ornament remembrance tradition

Sometimes it’s hard to not let ourselves get bogged down in the Christmas hustle and bustle.  Instead we remember to keep Eden’s memory alive by doing something special like this together- no technology, no interruptions, no noise- it feels like she’s with us. Reagan LOVES crafts. I have no idea where she picked up this hobby because if you’ve been reading this blog for anytime you will realize that I am anything but crafty.  But…. I am a good researcher!  I can find the cutest crafts and usually execute with the help of my semi-crafty hubby. 

Step 1:   Button shopping and sorting.  Surprisingly easy.  Crafty stores sell buttons by the jar!

Step 2:   String buttons in a Christmas tree like fashion. 

 

Step 3:   Pause to go get your pink broom and dustpan, proceed to throw buttons on the floor so you can clean. Yes, this is Reagan's step.  And yes she LOVES to clean. Not sure where she got that from either, as I hate to clean so much that now we have a cleaning person :-)

 

Step 4:   Hang mini- Christmas trees on real Christmas tree.  One for our sweet Eden in heaven and one for our silly, beautiful Reagan right here in our arms.

Reagan also made her own little button wreath and chose wooden spoons to display them!  Our ornament fun and memories of Eden are always so beautiful.  Merry Christmas to all!
 
 

Fall 2013

Three is so much fun AND so much work.  Reagan is so busy and curious.  And every day she still amazes me.  She’s in preschool 5 days a week and loving it.  There are times when we put her to bed on Friday night and she will ask if she can go to preschool in the morning.  She is learning so much and will often randomly belt out a song she learned in preschool in the grocery store or at church.  She’s learning colors, letters and sharing.  Though she’s been sick a few times she recovers quickly and has only needed steroids once.  Reagan is still in swimming and will started gymnastics on Monday! 

Reagan does however push the boundaries.  She is quite independent and can be pretty stubborn.  Hmmm… Dad… does this sound anything like me? J As any three year old she doesn’t always listen.  And this really tests our patience.  By overall three has been so amazing thus far…. Just like every other age.  We love you Reagan!

 

Preschool

Reagan started preschool on 9/9/13!  Our little girl is growing up so fast.  She's adjusted tremendously well but I have had a few moments when I look at her with her little pink backpack and wish I was looking at two little faces... our hearts still grieve and always will.  We miss Eden everyday but we have been able to turn our grief into something wonderful- Eden's Garden.  It feels so wonderful to give to other families who are experiencing a similar journey to the one we went through.  Eden is still living on and always will.